Today I was outrun by two fat pigs.
I do not take this lightly.
You see, in high school… I was moderately athletic. I frequently partook in sprints and relays at local track meets and managed to win my fair share of ribbons. If you would have told me then that sometime in the next decade or so, I would be effortlessly outpaced by a short, stubby legged mammal, I would have laughed hysterically. But today, I wasn’t laughing. I was huffing and puffing and feared my lungs would explode in exhaustion.
Granted it was muddy and the pigs were clearly in their element. Their little cloven hooves were virtually floating over the slippery slop. I on the other hand was sliding all over creation – obviously an err on my choice of footwear. I was wearing my Frye cowboy boots that my husband has informed me are not real cowboy boots because I can’t put spurs on them. Hogwash if you ask me.
I did everything I could to entice those pigs to return to their pen. I shook buckets of feed and called them by name with no luck. They were dashing about the hay barn, nosing through the bags of feed and seed, grunting and squealing in opposite directions. One took off into the pasture and the phrase bring home the bacon began to take on a whole new meaning. The sun was setting quick and I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to have a single slice of bacon in my fridge come spring, which is an awful feeling.
After what seemed like an eternity I finally tricked one pig into the pen. Once my kids quit laughing at my efforts, they decided to give me a hand. Not sure if it was because I was threatening to make them clean out the pig pen or if they sincerely felt sorry for me. Nevertheless, my 8 year old and I formulated a relay plan to trick the other pig in as well. It went something like this… “you stand here while I run over there, then when the pig gets about here, you run over there and then we’ll meet back here and whoever gets there first will slam the door behind the pig’s behind.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take an Advil and rest for the next several days while I consider implementing some aerobic activity into my non-existent workout routine.